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\n<\/div>\nPeople don’t do what’s best for them, they do what they’re used to<\/h2>\n
Most of the time people react to things on autopilot. They just go with whatever feels most familiar. And if you ask someone why they did something, their answer will usually be automatic too. You’ll get a made-up logical explanation, something that sounds reasonable and makes sense. That’s the brain kicking in with a justification or a “safe” explanation.<\/p>\n
The brain’s job is basically to come up with a logical answer. To keep you doing what you’ve always done and stop you from trying anything new. The brain believes one thing above all: “New equals risky. If I stick to what I’ve done before, I’ll survive.”<\/p>\n
The foundation of real change is an “uncomfortable ” explanation of your behavior.<\/h2>\n
Any event can be explained in two ways: the “safe” or “uncomfortable ” one. If someone reacts automatically, the brain will jump in and explain why what they did was actually the best thing for them. That kind of explanation is what I call a “safe” explanation.<\/b><\/p>\n
That kind of explanation justifies the automatic reaction. And here’s the trap, you think it was your own choice. But really, it was just your autopilot kicking in again. The brain goes, “You did everything right. That wasn’t automatic, that was thoughtful, intentional, totally your decision. What you did fits who you are. Even if you had more time to think it through, you’d still choose the exact same thing.”<\/p>\n
To start becoming more self-aware, you’ve got to look for the uncomfortable explanation of your behavior. That means asking: why might the way I acted not be the best for me?<\/b> Don’t just go with the first answer your brain gives you. Of course the “safe” explanation feels better, it says you did the right thing, made a smart choice and did what’s best for you. That kind of thinking saves energy, because then you don’t need to change anything. And your brain avoids the risk of trying something new.<\/p>\n
The uncomfortable explanation does the opposite, it makes you slow down, think and reflect. What if your automatic reaction isn’t actually helpful, but harmful? The truth is, when we first formed those reactions, we didn’t really have time to consciously choose from all the options. We just went with whatever came up first. And there it became a habit.<\/p>\n
Just because you learn to see the uncomfortable explanation doesn’t mean it’s the only true one. But it gives you something important – a choice. You get a moment where you can consciously decide whether to keep your reaction or change it.<\/p>\n
Examples of “safe” and “uncomfortable ” behavior:<\/h3>\n
The first example.<\/b>
\nI’ve hired several people for lead roles at our company. A few of those hires didn’t work out, we ended up parting ways after just a couple of months.<\/p>\n
“safe” explanation:<\/i> It’s better to promote people who’ve already been with the company for a while. I trust them more and they already understand how things work internally.<\/p>\n
“uncomfortable ” explanation:<\/i> I’m afraid someone in the company might be more experienced than me. I avoid competition, so I end up pushing away strong candidates on purpose.<\/p>\n
The second example.<\/b>
\nA. dreams of launching a finance project in the US market. But instead, he’s been living in Moscow and working at a big consulting firm for the past seven years.<\/p>\n
“safe” explanation:<\/i> to take a risk and start something in the US, I need to build up some capital first, A. says. Plus, he’s climbing the career ladder and a partnership at his firm is already on the horizon.<\/p>\n “uncomfortable ” explanation:<\/i> A. is afraid to take responsibility for something new. He’s worried he might fail. Deep down, he’s not even sure he really wants it. His current situation is convenient, no need to risk anything or take real ownership. He can keep telling people he’s a future entrepreneur, not just another corporate guy. He gets to scroll through TechCrunch, share fintech news with coworkers and look like he’s “in the game” without actually doing anything.<\/p>\n The third example:<\/b> “safe” explanation:<\/i> F. expected his wife to keep growing professionally during her pregnancy. He wanted her to stay curious and passionate about things the same way he is. She didn’t really engage in conversations about his work or laugh at his jokes, that created distance between them.<\/p>\n “uncomfortable ” explanation:<\/i> F. isn’t that interested in his own work. So when he tried to share his thoughts about it, his wife didn’t respond the way he hoped, not because she didn’t care, but because he couldn’t express it in a way that sparked real connection. On top of that, he was scared of the responsibility of becoming a father. So he started focusing on everything that was “wrong” in the relationship as a way to justify leaving.<\/p>\n For real change to happen, a person has to see where their habits are actually taking them long-term. They have to realize that if they don’t shift that trend, it’s a dead end.<\/b>Literally. They’ll live less and feel less alive.<\/p>\n The same mechanism that once helped a person survive is what keeps them from seeing their own trend. The same mechanism that once helped a person survive is now what stops them from seeing their own trend. It’s the thing that helps us form habits and protects us from trying new, risky reactions. But it also blocks us from seeing where those habits are really taking us over time.<\/b><\/p>\n As we go through life, we actually get signals telling us it’s time to shift the trend. Some are emotional signals like loneliness, apathy, low moods that won’t go away, anger or a deep sense of emptiness. Others come from the outside, struggling to build real connections with family or friends, failed projects, hobbies that just don’t bring joy anymore. If someone ignores these signals for too long, the body can start speaking up too, like back pain from carrying too much responsibility. The signals show up through people around you: family, friends, partners, and through the simple fact that things just aren’t working.<\/p>\n Noticing the trend is uncomfortable, especially if you’ve spent years justifying your behavior to yourself and others with “safe” explanations. Admitting there’s an uncomfortable reason behind it means facing the fact that you haven’t been living in the best way. And once you admit that, you’re faced with the need to change. That’s scary. It takes a lot of energy and real courage to actually start changing.<\/p>\n The uncomfortable explanation usually comes from people who actually care about you, like family, close friends or a therapist. A therapist is often the better option in these conversations because they don’t have hidden agendas, unlike loved ones, whose personal motives you also have to consider. People outside your inner circle usually won’t give you that kind of feedback, it’s risky. They know it could lead to pushback, anger, defensiveness or even hostility.<\/p>\n To notice your own trend and change, you need three things:<\/p>\n Being able to recognize your emotions helps you figure out what kind of life really works for you. Emotions come from the unconscious.<\/b> And the unconscious has two parts: your personal one, shaped by your own experience, and the collective one, shaped by everything past generations went through. Those before us already learned what kind of life helps us survive. Your personal unconscious carries a deep need for love. So at the core, we’re all driven by two things: the need to stay alive and the need to be loved. That’s why therapists often ask people to focus on their feelings as emotions help you find your way through life.<\/p>\n Courage is what helps you actually integrate the experience. You often hear people say, “I get it, but I still can’t do anything about it.” That’s because there’s a gap between understanding and integration and to close it, you need new experiences. You have to start acting differently. Only then can the brain see that there are other possible outcomes besides the automatic reaction it’s used to. To do that, you need to go through three steps:<\/p>\n Step one is when the brain understands.<\/b> At this stage, you’ve heard enough uncomfortable explanations to see your old patterns clearly.<\/p>\n Step two is when the brain starts to believe<\/b>. To believe, it needs new experience, you have to act differently and break out of your usual habits.<\/p>\n Step three is when the brain integrates it<\/b>. Now it starts creating new explanations, why the new way is actually better than the old one.<\/p>\n Conclusion<\/b> To change, you need three things:<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.mazurchak.com\/pictures\/fear@2x.jpg\")
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\nDuring his wife’s pregnancy, F. realized he didn’t love her and decided to leave the family. F. believes that society puts too much pressure on the idea of family.<\/p>\nWhy do people change at all?<\/h2>\n
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\nMost of what we do in life is just automatic reactions. The brain sticks to what’s familiar and backs it up with “safe” explanations to keep us from changing. Most of the time, people don’t do what’s best for them, they do what they’re used to. Real change only happens when a person realizes that if they don’t change, it’s a dead end.<\/p>\n\n